The irony of wanting to matter
Do you remember the cruelest thing someone ever said to you? Me too.
I had a friend for many years who was troubled. He was the kind of person everyone wanted to help. That is, until, your efforts were thwarted by his self-destruction. He always hurt the ones he loved most. He had an acute ability to expose others’ vulnerabilities and promptly spit venom directly into them. As our friendship shriveled, and after too many sodas, he told me, “You think you have a bigger impact on people’s lives than you actually do.”
That left a mark. But, like all pain, it hurt because it was real. He wasn’t wrong.
I am one of those people who is hardwired to try and impart myself onto others. This can be noble or narcissistic but most likely both. I love inspiration, quotes, affecting others, coaching, and looking for ways to make meaningful change in my world.
This is who I am and I like it. However, this mentality is a delicate dance. I’m often left feeling entitled, under appreciated, or owed something. Those are some dangerous emotions and must be avoided at all costs. Remembering that “no one owes you anything” has protected me from engaging that bitterness.
When you set out to lead anything well, you’re on an ironic mission to make yourself obsolete. The point of leading is to give others the tools they need to succeed without you. When these people you’ve devoted your time, knowledge, and affection toward leave you it’s the definition of bittersweet.
For me, leading, teaching, and coaching is as involuntary as blinking. It’s not altruistic, but more out of a sense of duty. I’d like to believe it’s my way to say thank you to those who led me. I coach because someone coached me well. They taught me things, looked me in the eyes, cheered for me, and patted me when I failed. Those men and women changed me in marvelous ways. And I repaid them by leaving them—a little better than I was when we met. I hope that’s why I do it.
My old mate wasn’t wrong, but he wasn’t right either. I, like you, impact everyone around me. Ironically, I just hope I can impact people so well that they no longer need me.
